FOREWORD

Being the Villain of the piece has always seemed more attractive than being the Hero. I mean, there are all sorts of perks involved that you just don't get with heroism. You can be your own boss, for one, and the pay often isn't bad. Plus, being evil is just so much more *fun* than being good.

However, I've noticed a certain trend developing in the ranks of Evil Villains. It's by no means a new thing. In fact, it's been going on for years. Every single Villain seems to be overthrown, defeated and/or meet a horrible, unnecessarily grisly death in the end. They can have the best thought-out, most evil Plan ever, but it never fails that ultimately the Hero will come in and whup their butt come the closing curtain.

Following on from this, also of note is that it doesn't really matter who these Evil Villains are, or where they come from, they always seem to make the same fundamental mistakes. Alien invaders, sorcerers, witches and wizards, barbarians, mad scientists, deranged inventors, all of them have done it at some point or another. I mean, it can't be *that* difficult to develop and implement an Evil Plot, can it? Yet all of them manage to botch it up somehow, and they never seem to learn from each others' mistakes, either. I mean, really. Think about all the Evil Plots and such you've seen picked to pieces on movie screens, in books or even in video games. But do the next generation of Villains ever take any notice of their predecessors' failures?

No they bloody well don't.

So I, The Great Anonymous Villain, have taken it upon myself to construct a set of basic guidelines concerning the proper conduct and behaviour for the new, fresh-faced Villains of tomorrow. I just hope they actually read it instead of taking pot-shots at each other in their classrooms at the School of International Villainy. What, you thought they were just *born* evil? No sir, it takes a lot of hard work on the part of teachers like myself. And special voice exercises.


101 Ways To Be A Good Villain, Evil Overlord and/or Similar

By the Great AV


1. I will not stand around all the time talking about my Evil Plot and how undeniably Evil it is, but will actually carry it out.

2. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it on account of my being so Evil.

3. I will never accept a challenge from the Hero, no matter how tempting it is or however irritating he/she is.

4. Also, no matter how much I may want to, nor how cathartic it is, I will not indulge in pointless mad cackling, as it makes it too easy for me to miss important developments that could signal my Doom.

5. I will refrain from wearing black, or unnecessarily long cloaks. Instead, I shall wear bright, cheerful colours so as to throw my enemies off guard.

6. My Minions will all be trained in basic marksmanship. If any cannot hit a human-sized target at less than ten paces he or she will then replace the target. Throwing empty guns at enemies is prohibited, as it never works.

7. I will not answer any pleas from a captured Hero for intricate explanations of my Evil Plot. Instead, I will just shoot him.

8. I will not attempt to kill the Hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy Minions instead, and then there'll be hell to pay with the UOEM (aka Union of Evil Minions) for providing unsafe working conditions.

9. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the Pure of Heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

10. I will not place the Hero in a complicated-yet-easily-escapable means of death (e.g. water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, laser headed towards crotch, etc.).

11. Should I actually decide to ignore the above rule and kill the hero in an elaborate manner, I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a good vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

12. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the populace, and may give potential Heroes ideas.

13. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Unstoppable Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will refrain from impatience and wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

14. I will not make greedy alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. Instead, I will make greedy alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

15. I will employ a dietician and aerobics instructor to keep my Evil Minions up to scratch in times of peace, rather than letting them lounge about all day drinking mead and playing cards. That way the Hero will never catch my forces unprepared.

16. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles made of enforced, unbreakable glass to prevent eye injuries.

17. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors of any shape, size and brand removed from the palace, screaming in terror whenever I spot one and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds one up etc. That way, in the climax of battle when the Hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face with a triumphant "Ha *ha*!", my reaction will be "Hmm... I think I need a shave."

18. If I have constructed a particularly *evil* Evil Plot, I will make sure all my relatives are either on my side or safely locked up where I put them as children. Failure to do so could result in the failure of aforesaid Evil Plot and will *not* be tolerated.

19. If the above rule is ignored/forgotten, then I will make sure any relatives I have on my side are willing to risk their lives to rescue me in my moment of need.

20. Any doddery old man will be divested of his staff *before* he enters my presence. If it is his walking stick, then he will be given someone to lean on instead.

21. I will not allow the presence of any sort of key or artifact which might allow the Hero to progress through my base. If any such key insists on existing, I will most certainly not leave it  lying about where it  may be easily obtained by said Hero.

22. All Minions will have their sight and hearing thoroughly checked, by professionals, before being deployed on any missions. Any who fail to spot a Hero at 20 paces will be immediately removed from duty.

23. Minions sleeping on the job will absolutely not be tolerated.

24. All Minions will be branded with a barcode, and scanned at all key checkpoints. This will prevent the Hero from disguising himself as one of my loyal followers.

25. I will never, on pain of death, kidnap a princess. This can serve no purpose other than to attract the Hero to my base.

26. All my Minions will be equally powerful, that is to say, extremely so. I will not deploy them in such a manner that the Hero has an opportunity to practice his battle skills on weaker adversaries, gradually advancing to more difficult opponents. I will attack straight off with my most well-trained generals. Or, I will just do it myself.

27. I will deploy a squadron to scour the Hero's world for items that may be of use to him. They will remove these items from his path. Hiding does not count as removing.

28. Minions will not be permitted to carry money. If they need supplies, they can visit storehouses, which will be protected by checkpoints as described in #24.

29. My Minions will not wander in random patterns while awaiting the Hero's arrival. Instead, they will kill all persons of any possible value to the Hero. This includes, but is not limited to, shop owners, innkeepers, wise old men, and anyone who knows directions.

30. I will make myself aware of any special abilities the Hero possesses, or has the capacity to possess, and will be certain not to block his way with obstacles that may be overcome by usage of these abilities.

31. Addendum to #5: Avoid clown costumes: too noticeable and hampers movements.

32. Having fun watching 'just how far' the Hero can go is not permissible. Destroy him at the first possible opportunity.

33. 50% of all Heroes are Heroines, and *not* to be taken lightly!

34. An impenetrable fortress is supposed to remain that way. Absolutely no convenient back doors and/or secret passages for the Hero to find.

35. An aerial fortress is all to the good, but make sure there are no annoyingly large birds around nor useful remains of ancient civilizations.

36. Never kill off the Hero's family (tends to make the Hero more determined). Instead, hold them hostage.

37. Have the spy in their midst not blow his/her cover 'til the Hero can be disposed of.

38. Having the Hero do 'the dirty work for you' is useless: He will have grown stronger and might actually pose a threat when he needs relieving of key elements.

39. I will learn and remember every possible way into my base, and make sure that there is no 'back way in', nor that there is any path less guarded than all the rest

40. I will not trust my minions to do anything more complex than scratching their own butt by themselves. Which is to say, I will keep an eye on them, and make sure they are highly trained for whatever job they are about to do. I shall NEVER trust those beneath me.

41. I shall remember that, like a Villain, you can't keep a good Hero down. I must always ensure that the Hero is dead. I shall cut up his/her body, burn it, and scatter it to the four winds. I shall never discount them or let my guard down just because I believe they are dead.

42. I shall not grow a superiority complex, or grow too smug; I must maintain an aura of natural suspicion and remember that there are people more powerful than me. I must NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE HERO! This is very important.

43. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

44. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

45. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

46. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

47. If I steal something very important to the Hero, I will not put it on public display.

48. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

49. If I bear a striking resemblance to Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons or any other Englishman associated with being Evil then I will immediately turn to plastic surgery. There's no point in making things easier for the Hero if I can help it.

50. My force-field generators will be located *inside* the shield they generate.

51. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

52. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

53. Do not fight like a man. Fight like a Villain.

54. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

55. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

56. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

57. If I am escaping in a large truck and the Hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the Hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

58. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

59. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

60. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

61. Never offer to make a deal with the Hero. Just kill him.

62. Do not keep any vehicle which might come in handy for the Hero.

63. Do not store all your invaluable effects in one location. Copy everything copy-able. Keep things in a number of strategic locations, all of which are well-protected, and any of which would make a good base of operations if the Hero should infiltrate the one you were last using.

64. Do not broadcast your Evil Plot to the world. In fact, do not broadcast that you *have* an Evil Plot. The longer it takes the Hero to come looking for you, the better.

65. Do not make enemies. If you do, kill them immediately. This reduces the number of possible Heroes you may later have to deal with.

66. Do not permit any of the following to live in your land: people with immense physical strength, magic-users, gutsy princesses, anyone looking to avenge their families, knights and the like, swordsmen or archers, people with mysterious pasts, anyone who routinely wears a disguise, thieves and spies, etc.

67. Destroy all maps depicting any part of your lands.

68. Similarly to #61: Never set tests for the Hero, or challenge him to anything. If you do, and he manages to complete the task(s), certainly do not follow through on whatever you promised him. This is nearly always a fatal mistake.

69. If good minions are in short supply, any of the following may be used as warriors: random monsters, rabid animals, animate plants, or any deranged inanimate object. Robots and aliens also work.

70. As much as possible, prevent the Hero from sleeping. He often receives important items or information in his dreams.

71. Especially beware of any Hero who does not speak.

72. Beware of orphans, they always have strange destinies and may even be your child!

73. I will always have some complex back story, possibly one designed to inspire pity and understanding. One in which you were once a good-guy is always good. Villains tend to live longer this way.

74. Make sure the people are happy with your tyrannical rule (or, lacking that, make sure all 'information dealers' are devoted to you).

75. Absolutely *NO* teleportation-pads around! It might make trips to the little Villains' room easier, but is potentially lethal.

76. If your mortality is enclosed in any kind of object, hang it around your neck and spread the rumor that it actually is in some sparrow's body, within a hare, in a chest atop a tree, guarded by a ferocious dragon in a magical cave within... Well, you get the picture!

77. Along the lines of #74, do not let underground resistance proliferate. Crush 'em good and hard. ... But no 'making an example of them', tends to irk the people.

78. I will not trap the Hero in a room with a window, laugh at him through the window, and send several incompetent minions to take care of him.

79. If I have a spy near the Hero, I will make sure that he does not call out a war cry before attacking.

80. If I have an Evil Machine, I will make sure it does not have a Fatal Flaw.

81. If it does have a fatal flaw, I will not attempt to compensate by putting it in the middle of a trench that any teenager could fly through. I will instead hide it in a random location, with a decoy in a trench.

82. Buttons that turn off important things will have fail-safes that I can always activate.

83. Never torture the Hero. Their Hearts Of Gold makes them impenetrable to torture.

84. Never enlist the Hero to do a nefarious scheme by threatening him with death. He will always somehow escape.

85. I will not hire people that can be convinced by one bad speech that Good is better than Evil.

86. I will not dress in a Super Spy Outfit.

87. It is vitally important to keep up your Evil Overlord image. A few things that can quickly wreck this image: Singing; dancing; prancing; cavorting; wearing anything frilly; playing with children or small animals; wearing colorful make-up (not quite as bad if you are an Evil Overlady); laughing in a not-evil way; soiling yourself; sucking your thumb; celebrating any occasion that not-evil people would consider joyous.

88. Absolutely do not come down sick while enacting your Evil Plan.

89. Do not rely too heavily on machines, especially computers, as they often prove to be exceedingly unreliable.

90. For goodness sake, *always* double-check any mathematical computations.

91. Clumsiness is not to be tolerated.

92.I will hire competent assassins, preferably snipers who shoot from 1000 yards away, and with the patience to not move for over a day. Bob's Rent-a-Ninja is never a good idea, no matter how much cheaper. Remember something is only more economical if it works.

93. Be kind to small animals. Not only does it throw the Hero off the scent, but you never know when the cute little SOB's might conveniently bite someone you dislike, thus sending *them*, not you, into the bottomless pit of your choice.

94. A Tyrannical Rule will earn you a Revolution. A Tyrannical Rule with free T-shirts will earn you the devotion of the people.

95. My Secret Headquarters will not be some kind of obvious place, like an old crumbling castle, or a vast underground laboratory. They will be as small and unobtrusive as possible. In fact, I should do without a Secret Headquarters wherever possible.

96. Honour and virtue are all very good in their place, but I am an Evil Villain. I will not, therefore, permit the Hero a fair fight.

97. If I do happen to have any (absolutely necessary) bottomless pits, pools of magma, vats of acid etc. lying around, I will make certain that they are safely covered over.

98. I will pay my minions, and particularly my Trusted Advisor, well, and create for them good working conditions. Nothing puts a crimp in an Evil Plan like having all your minions turn on you at the critical moment.

99. Anyone who attempts to be a Trusted Advisor, and has shifty eyes, a stoop, clammy skin or the like, is not to be Trusted. Instead they should be shot on the spot. This also goes for anyone who goes by the title Grand Vizier.

100. When I kill people, I will make sure that they stay dead. A bullet in the forehead is infinitely preferable over any more exotic method of murder because of one simple reason, viz, it works.

101. I will never, no matter how badly beaten the hero appears to be, stop to gloat. This only allows the hero to catch their breath and prepare for the next bout.

102. Similarly, if the Hero is almost defeated, I will not stop to say something that will piss him/her off, i.e. telling them what I'm going to do to their sweetheart/sibling/parent/child.

103. I will instruct my minions that, when confronting the Hero, they will NOT form a circle around him (the Hero) and rush in one at a time to engage him/her a la bad karate movie.

104. I will keep up with the gossip in my land. All rumours are bound to be both true and important.

105. I will not be caught reading this guide, as it may undermine my Villainous reputation.

Contributors: Scribbler, Amicitia, Greg, Yma, Skiltch, Dan R, InterNutter, Yodelbean, Psystorm

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