Joyride
Season 2, Episode 9
Whoopee, an episode centered on a Brotherhood character. *And* some New Mutants.

Lance is walking across the Institute grounds. Automated defenses pop up at him. Quick scenes of X-Men preparing for battle. Lance uses his powers just enough to knock the laser guns over. X-Men meet him outside the front door.

Logan: Something we can do for ya, bub?
Lance: Actually, yeah. I've come to join the X-Men.
Logan: Yeah, right.
Lance: No, really! I want to be an X-Man!
Logan: And I wanna be the Tooth Fairy.
{Laughter}
Xavier: Hold on. Let's see what he has to say.

The background changes to Xavier's office.

Xavier asks Lance why he wants to join the X-Men, and Lance eventually replies that he wants a change. Scott is suspicious, but Xavier agrees to let him try things out. He tells Kitty to show Lance to a guest room.

Scott: I know Lance. He wouldn't do this unless he wanted something.
Xavier: I agree. What he wants is to be near Kitty.
Scott: But -
Xavier: I believe his feelings for her are genuine. It's a good start.

Scene: The guest room.

Kitty: Sorry there's no mints on the pillow, but I believe you'll find some gum under the chair.
Lance: Not bad. 'Course I'll have to grunge it up a little before it feels like home. *dumps duffel bag in a drawer* There, all unpacked.
Kitty: Then welcome to Mutant Manor. Breakfast is at seven. *turns to go, changes her mind* Listen Lance, this place is no walk in the park, and the others aren't going to cut you any slack.
Lance: Hey, I can handle it. How hard can it be?

The background changes to inside the X-Jet.

Scott: Okay Iceman, take her out. Nice and easy.
Bobby: Yeah! Hold on to your lunches!

The jet speeds down a tunnel and soars out over the ocean. It's sort of dipping and spinning.

Lance: Hey, take it easy.

The jet goes into an uncontrolled dive.

Scott: Pull up!
Windshield: Fatal Error.

The simulated vehicle stops and lowers to the ground. Bobby jumps out.

Bobby: Did you see me? Were you watching? This time it took me *twice* as long to crash and burn!
Wolverine: Listen kid, you can't go hot-dogging like that on the battlefield. You gotta *think* before you play Cowboy Commando!

Notes: Lance is now wearing a tight black X-Uniform. Meanwhile, Kurt is sweeping in the background, wearing shorts and a tanktop.

Lance comes out of the hatch looking pretty sick, but covers it when Kitty appears.

Kitty: You okay, Lance?
Lance: I'm fine! Told you there was nothing to this X-Men stuff.
Kitty: Well... good.

As soon as she leaves, Lance runs off to be sick.

Xavier: Don't you think you were a little hard on him? After all, you've been known to do some 'hot-dogging' yourself.
Logan: Yeah, but I can walk away from a crash. They can't. ... Hey Elf, what're you looking at? You've still got a week of probation to work off. And when you're done sweeping, you can mop the inside of the simulator.
Kurt (watching Lance go): Yes, sir. *to himself* Who wouldn't want to be an X-Man? It's sooo fulfilling.

Scene: Outdoor training area.

Evan is working the machines, and Scott is spotting. Amara is up first. Evan launches four of those nasty pointy spinning things at her. She takes out two with fireballs. Scott blasts the others into a tree.

Bobby's turn. He ices all four of the projectiles, but one keeps flying and almost hits him in the back while he's kvelling himself, but Scott blows it up.

Lance's turn. He just gets up and destroys all the training equipment. This makes him instantly popular with the New Mutants, and earns a giggle from Kitty.

Scene: Danger Room.

The New Mutants are running from Point A to Point B, of course with lasers and spikes and stuff in between. Lance does a pretty good job getting to the finish line.

Scott (in the control room): Watch this.

He pushes a button, and a bar swings around and hits Lance in the back. New Mutants laugh. Kurt high-fives Scott. Kitty looks annoyed.

Scene: Swimming pool.

Kurt, Evan, Rogue, and Kitty (in the water) are lined up against Rahne, Bobby, Lance, and Sam (on the side). Scott instructs the New Mutants to rescue their 'victim' partners.

Rahne and Bobby morph, while Lance runs back from the pool. Bobby makes an ice bridge across the pool and helps Evan up. Lance throws a life preserver, hitting Rogue in the head.

Sam and Lance jump into the pool. Lance pushes Sam, causing him to accidentally blast off. Lance then pops up next to Kitty and drags her to the far side of the pool. Scott helps Rogue out of the water. Sam splashes down.

Scott: Wrong victim, Alvers! And you just drowned two people!
Lance: Yeah, but look who I *rescued*.
Rogue: Creep. *pushes Lance and Kitty into the pool*

Scene: Institute garage.

Lance and three of the New Mutants pile into his jeep. Scott sees that his car is filthy and dented, and gets mad.

Scene: Bayville High.

Fred pushes Lance against the lockers.

Fred: Long time no see.
Pietro: Where ya been?
Lance: Hands off, Wide Load.
Tabitha: We heard the *craziest* rumor. They're saying you're living with the Geek Squad.
Lance: So what if I am?
Todd: Say what?
Fred: To think I used to look up to you.
Todd: When Mystique gets back, she's gonna hand you your left arm.
Lance: Mystique's not coming back. The Brotherhood is over, even if you don't know it.
Fred: Yeah, well - well... well...
Pietro: Great comeback, Fred.
Tabitha: You're making a mistake, Lance. You're never going to fit in, and they're never going to accept you.

Scene: The Institute, at night.

Lance is heading to bed. He sees Bobby, Jubilee, Sam, and Jamie sneaking down the hall, and follows them.

Kitty is raiding the refrigerator. As Bobby runs by, she thinks she sees someone in the door.

Kitty: Is anyone there?

She pauses and goes back to her food. She ducks under the table to pick up a pencil, and phases partway up through the table. Lance passes the door, sees her head on a plate, and faints.

The X-Van comes out of the garage. Guess who all is in it?

Sam is playing with the dome lights while Bobby drives.

Bobby: This is awesome! Hey, check this out.

He opens the window and projects a spiral ramp. He drives around it and the van lands with a bump, making Jamie duplicate across the bench into Jubilee.

Bobby: Look at all these buttons. I wonder what they do?

He pulls a lever, and a rack of missiles come out of the roof.

Bobby: Aw, nothing.
Jubilee: Try this one.

She pushes a button, and two of the missiles fire.

Jubilee: Nothing!
Sam: Try them all.

A jet of fire comes out the back, burning down a telephone pole.

Bobby: Man, the X-Van *stinks*. It doesn't do anything!

Scene: The Institute, in the morning.

Bobby falls into bed just as Xavier sends out a telepathic message about Logan's early-morning training session with the New Recruits.

Kurt is washing the X-Jet, with a soapy scrub brush on each limb.

Kurt: Wash the uniforms, wash the van, wash the jet... this probation is turning my fur kinky!

Logan comes in with the New Mutants and says some junk about the jet. Bobby walks up to it.

Kurt: No fingermarks! I just spent a month detailing this baby.
Bobby: So does this demo mean we get to fly the real thing?
Logan: Yeah. That'll happen.

The background changes to the garage.

Logan: Let's start with something a little smaller. Like the X-Van.

He turns around. The van is possibly filthier than Scott's car was. Right there, it gives up and collapses.

Logan: What happened to the X-Van?
Scott: I bet *I* know. *glares at Lance*

Scene: The Institute, at night.

Jamie: Please? I'll be *real* quiet.
Bobby: No. You're too big a crowd. Literally.

Half a dozen Jamies hang their head.

Jubilee: Go back to bed - all of you!

The three New Mutants sneak into Lance's room and wake him.

Bobby: Hey Lance. We're going on another joyride. Wanna come?
Jubilee: You're gonna get the blame anyway.
Lance: Leave me alone.
Bobby: Your loss. We're taking something different this time. Something bigger and faster.

In the hangar, the three stare at the X-Jet.

Lance: Wait... bigger? Faster? The X-Jet?

Notes: Oh, sorry, I thought it was the Olympic motto.

Lance gets dressed *real* fast and bangs on Kitty's door.

Kitty: Lance?
Lance: Follow me!

He drags her to the hangar.

Jubilee: Are you sure about this?
Bobby: It's too late now. We're rolling!

Lance and Kitty reach the observation deck.

Lance: Oh no, the kids!
Kitty: What kids?
Lance: Start phasing!

They jump down into the jet.

Sam: Open the door!
Bobby: I can't find the switch!
Jubilee: Here it is!

The jet flies out.

Sam: Almost had to change my shorts!
Bobby: Hold onto your lunches!

So they're flying around. Bayville suddenly has a lot of skyscrapers. Bobby pulls the lever to speed up. Jubilee opens the roof hatch and starts throwing out fireworks. Kitty and Lance phase into the cockpit.

Kitty: A*hem*.

Jubilee drops a firework onto the control panel. The jet gets stuck on Really Fast.

Sam: Look what you did!
Jubilee: Oops?
Sam: We're picking up speed!
Bobby: The controls have seized up! I can't slow us down!
Sam: I'll try to fix it.
Kitty (trying the intercom): X-Jet to Base, X-Jet to Base. Ahh, the radio's fried!
Lance: I just remembered... I don't like flying.
Bobby: One of these buttons has to do something!

Two army aircraft spot the X-Jet and don't know what it is. They radio that the X-Jet is in a restricted area.

Lance: We have to show them we're friendly! Is this the PA?

He presses a button, and it turns out to be a missile. The army pilots dodge, identify the X-Jet as hostile, and request permission to engage. Apparently they get it real fast, because they start firing.

Sam: Hey Bobby, what do these little blips on the screen mean?
Bobby: Heat seekers!
Jubilee: I got it!

She climbs out the hatch and shoots a firework to attract the missiles.

Sam patches something with gum.

Sam: I cut the propulsion.
Jubilee: I'm kinda new at this, but... isn't that a bad thing?
Bobby: Depends how you feel about emergency landings.

Bobby goes up top and makes an ice ramp to ricochet the jet off some rocks. Yes, Bayville now has mountains too. The X-Jet flies into a canyon (???). The army planes pursue and keep firing.

Lance: Out of the way.

He looks at the canyon walls, and projects his powers to make an avalanche. The army pilots abandon the chase. But there are still those pesky missiles. Oh yeah, and the propulsion mysteriously comes back.

Lance throws up.

Kitty (sarcastically): My hero.

Bobby: I can't lose them!
Kitty: I can. Fly straight for that mesa.
Bobby: *What*?!
Kitty: Do it!

Kitty puts her hands in some random places (on the jet, you perverts!) and closes her eyes. The whole jet phases through the mesa, which should not rightfully be anywhere near Bayville.

Pilot 1: Did you see that?
Pilot 2: No, and neither did you.

Kitty almost passes out. Lance holds her up. The action scene having ended, Bobby resumes flying calmly.

Scene: The Institute hangar.

Scott, Xavier, and Logan are staring at the X-Jet, which is an absolute mess.

Scott: Alvers, you went for another joyride!
Kitty: Actually -
Lance: Yeah, I did it.
Bobby: No, we did it.
Logan: Who's 'we'?
Bobby: We also took the X-Van.
Sam: And Scott's car.
Jubilee: And your motorcycle.
Logan: My - motorcycle.
Jubilee: Just kidding!
Bobby: Lance tried to stop us.
Kurt (coming in): Now all I have to do is wax the X-Jet, and my probation is over! ... Oh man, this is gonna take a *lot* of wax.
Xavier: Kurt, consider your probation over. *to the New Mutants* Yours, however, is just beginning. You can start by cleaning up the X-Jet.
Scott: We all owe you an apology. Especially me.
Lance: Save it, Summers. I'm outta here.
Xavier: We're sorry, Lance. It's been a difficult transition.
Lance: Living with the Brotherhood is a lot easier than you guys. You're way too high-maintenance.
Xavier: Well, if you ever change your mind...

Kitty runs to catch up to Lance, and kisses him on the cheek. There's a really sappy sound effect.

The End

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